So, what is the state of the nation as we reach chapter 16 of Tyra Banks’ magnum opus, “Modelland”?
One hundred and seventy-eight pages into this thing, and we’re still dawdling along the fringes of Modelland. As far as I can recall, we’ve already had the “You’re a wizard Bella, Harry Tookie” scene, the Sorting Hat Face Registration scene, and the Great Hall Belladonna Scene. When are we going to actually see something happen? Because I think by page 178, Frodo was already being chased by Ringwraiths. And we all know that “The Fellowship of the Ring” isn’t exactly the gold standard when it comes to quick-moving plots.
How long will Tyra Banks jerk me around? How long will she torture me so? This next chapter is titled “The THBC Tamasha” and Jesus fuck that does not look promising at all.
Because readers insist Movement was based on BIGBANG.
Before “Modelland” and before the generous folks at National Book Store started putting up links to my blog over at their Facebook page, the one post that drew readers to my blog like Koreans to kimchi was my review of Chiggay Labrador’s “Popped”.
It wasn’t very pretty. I had a breakdown over on Twitter and pretty much gnashed my teeth and wailed and wore sackcloth and threw ash on my face. I wanted to burn that book to the ground and throw salt on it so nothing would ever grow on it again.
Of course, since the Universe is a cruel mistress, the sequel, “Popped Too”, came out September of last year. And of course, since I am a masochist, I got myself a copy. Took me several months before I could actually sit down and read it, but I did it, okay?
If you guys have read my review of “The Woman In Black” you’ll know that I don’t scare easily when it comes to books, mostly because of a lack of imagination on my part. But that lack of imagination on my part is exactly what makes it so easy for me to be scared at the movies.
That bump…bump…bump that I just couldn’t form in my mind? Horrifyingly alive inside the cinema, and in Dolby Digital Sound too! That creepy shadow that I barely visualized in my head while I was reading? Creeping up on me on a huge ass screen!
Suffice it to say that the movie version of “The Woman In Black” scared the beejesus out of me. Of the P180 I shelled out to watch this movie, I probably only got to see about P100 worth of it. The rest of the ticket price I spent cowering behind either my bag or my hands.
But does the movie remain faithful to the book on which it’s based? Or has it deviated so far from the source material that it might as well have been called “Harry Potter and The Woman in Black”?
About three years ago, my dear friend Doni had to undergo chemotherapy for his cancer. As much as I’ve heard about cancer before, this was the first time that I was actually going to be face to face with it, in a manner of speaking.
It was horrible for me to look at, and I wasn’t even suffering through it. It just wasn’t acceptable to me that my friend — who if you know him, you’d know he’s the life of the party — was in the state that he was in.
My friend is better now, but I’ve avoided cancer “things” ever since because I honestly don’t know if I can handle it. When we interviewed the founder of Kythe for my real job and when the topic of visiting the kids came up, I just knew that I would not be able to do it.
That was why I was a little apprehensive about John Green’s “The Fault In Our Stars”. As much as cancer is a very painful reality for a lot of people, more often than not it just gets treated as a plot device to force tears out of readers or viewers A Walk to Remember. Admittedly, I never thought twice about it before, but my limited experience had me afraid that Green might end up trivializing something so painful for so many people.
I must admit that there are days when I don’t think that I can accomplish this task that I got myself into.
This damn thing is moving slower than a white boy on his way to his own circumcision. We’re more than 100 pages into this endeavor and the only thing we’ve been able to find out is that Tyra doesn’t care about albino people.
And it’s not like I can’t handle a story that moves like molasses. I managed to survive the first five chapters of “The Fellowship of the Ring” and actually finish the damn trilogy. I persevered through the incessant braid tugging of Robert Jordan’s “The Wheel of Time” series — or at least persevered up to book nine. I CAN HANDLE IT.
But sweet baby krakens, Tookie dela Creme just might be the one to break me. Thank Gandalf for commenters like Margo for leaving such sweet comments like this one —
“Please post chapter 14 soon! and so on! I have all your reviews on this book bookmarked on my computer. Every time i need a good laugh I read one of your reviews on this ridiculous book, your incredibly witty and very entertainingly hilarious! i love you”
— because I would have given up on this biznaz several chapters ago.