Or, When Titties Attack!
Welcome one and all to the first ever Book to Series Recap!
As the title suggests, I will be writing recaps of television series’ episodes. Since my blog is still a book blog, the series has to be one based on a book. My first choice was to do “True Blood”, since it’s currently airing, but I hadn’t read any of the books and starting now wouldn’t help any since the series finale is airing this Monday.
The next logical choice, of course, was “Game of Thrones”. Not only had I just finished reading the book it’s based on, it just received a boatload of Emmy nominations, including one for Outstanding Drama Series and a Best Supporting Actor nomination for Peter Dinklage.
In “Winter is Coming” , we have: Fremen, winter edition! Hot bastards! Doggie style! and let’s not forget tits, tits, and tits!
(Warning: So much NSFW material under the cut!)
Our very first scene opens with the ragtag trio of Ser Waymar Royce, Will, and Gared, looking like the Seven Kingdoms’ version of the BeeGees as they prepare to take a trip past the Wall and into The Haunted Forest.
There’s been reports of wildling attacks, you see, and Royce is being all alpha male and douchey about tracking the little wild things and making them pay. He’s got to be a man, he’s got to be big boss nobleman. So even after Will finds dismembered bodies creatively arranged according to the Martha Stewart Guidebook for Sprucing Up Haunted Forests, Royce has to be all “Take me to them bodies!”
Of course, anyone that’s seen any number of slasher movies know that it’s always the douchebags that get killed off first, and Ser Waymar follows that hallowed tradition as he is cut down by one of The Others, a supernatural being that looks like a Fremen that got lost somewhere on the way to Arrakis. It’s the blue eyes y’all!
The BeeGees are freaked out, of course, and while Waymar and Gared get cut down, Will makes a run for it, with The Others flitting through the trees like wolves on the prowl. This was a definite improvement over how this scene played out in the books — it’s really tense and when The Winter Fremen finally catch up with Will you’re almost certain that he gets his head lopped off like his companions.
Which is why it’s a surprise that he still manages to escape and desert the Night’s Watch and have his head lopped off by someone who isn’t Undead. What did he do? Why was he spared? Why is Gared the one that gets his head chopped off by The Others and not Will? The book doesn’t have the answers, and neither does the show.
It’s at this point that we get introduced to the rest of the Stark crew. The guys — Robb, Bran, Rickon, and the hot bastard, Jon Snow — are getting their archer on at the courtyard, while Sansa and Arya are being Stepfordized. Arya, because she is a little badass, is having none of it. Shooting arrows is more her thing.
The family hijinks are cut short, however, by the arrival of Rodrik Cassel and the finest beard fashion this side of the Narrow Sea. They’ve got another deserter from the Night’s Watch, he says, and Lord Eddard Stark has to do his duty and cut off some heads. Somebody has to do it.
So Eddard Stark does his lordly duty, and tries to impart some life lessons onto his son, Bran. All throughout that lecture, Sean Bean has the look of a man who realizes that, once again, he has signed up for a role where he ends up dead. Must be in his contract or something. On the way back to Winterfell, the Stark bunch find some direwolves and foreshadowing. Also, Theon Greyjoy begins harassing
his boyfriend , Jon Snow.
Meanwhile, over at King’s Landing, Cersei and Jamie Lannister are being all subtle about their non-involvement in the death of Jon Arryn. Cersei is worried that Jon told the king all about her and Jamie’s naughty, naughty, naughtiness, but all Jamie wants is to…bond…with his dear sister. All the king wants is to fuck boars and hunt whores, as Jamie so deliciously put it, so the whole merry royal troupe heads to Winterfell to convince Eddard that King’s Landing is totally in this year and he should be totally the king’s Hand.
But why why would you leave the North when you’ve got the shirtless men of Winterfell in the house?
The entire conversation is exactly what you’d expect from the dudebros of the Winterfell chapter of Tau Kappa Epsilon. The dudebros are complaining because they have to clean up, Robb says that he’s heard that the prince is a doucheface, and all Theon Greyjoy can think of is pussy. I think I’m in love with him already.
So the royal company arrives, headed by his Royal Highness, Fred Flintstone. Arya, after cavorting around town with a helmet on her head because she is a badass, is really curious to see The Imp, while Sansa is being her usual insipid self and making moon eyes at Joffrey and his inbred face. Cersei just looks like she’s bored with this provincial life.
However, Tyrion — the aforementioned Imp — is just having the best time up here in the North as he receives what is probably the noisiest blowjob known to man. It’s a wonder his dick didn’t get sucked right off! This is also where titties start flying at my face and my eyes roll back to the top of my head. Only halfway through the episode and we’ve already got four pairs of breasts exposed. :sigh:
Finally, we head across the Narrow Sea to Pentos, where Viserys is busy pimping his sister Daenerys to Conan the Barbarian. Also, another pair of breasts are flashed at us, bringing the grand total to 10 breasts even before we reach three-fourths of the episode. Also, creepy incestuous Targaryens!
But the next scene is Sansa so I just throw up all over my computer and pick my nose a bit. Cersei piles on the creepy by asking if Sansa’s had her period yet, while Joffrey looks on at the whole proceeding with his beady little inbred eyes. Arya thinks this is all bullshit and throws food at Sansa’s face. Where can I get my own Arya to cheer me up when I am down?!?
Also, as much as I think Sean Bean is a badass, I do not actually want to see his actual ass, so I am really thankful that this scene has been tweaked from the books. And if this had been adapted exactly from the books we’d have yet another pair of breasts staring us in the face and I don’t think I could take any more of those things.
And boy do we get a lot of those things at the Dothraki wedding. Half a boob, low-hanging boobs, big boobs, bouncing boobs. It’s a veritable boob buffet, with some Dothraki innards and doggie style on the side. Obviously the missionaries have not made it past the Narrow Sea.
Apparently, the missionaries haven’t been to the Seven Kingdoms either, because Cersei and Jamie are dogging it all up in this abandoned tower. That would have been hell on both their knees, I bet. But not as bad as it is for Bran, who Jamie pushes off a tower.
OH MY GOD.