Or, Tyrion’s pimp hand is strong
The last time we were at Chateau Stark, Bran had fallen to his apparent death, or at least that’s what those who didn’t read the book thought had happened. You see, people who only watched the series and didn’t even bother looking at the Wikipedia page of the book “Game of Thrones” was based on have some really weird conversations about this whole shebang.
One person, for instance, had this to say about Ned Stark’s demise: “Maganda pa rin kaya ang next season” The lack of punctuation is totally theirs. Yes, maybe I am expecting too much from people, but Jesus. Jesus.
But anyway, let’s move on. In “The Kingsroad”, we have: The Britney Spears and Kevin Federline of the Seven Kingdoms, bitches galore, and Tyrion Lannister’s pimp hand of awesomeness.
As usual, NSFW all around.
Because HBO hates everything that is good and right in this world, we do not open to a scene of Bran still alive or recuperating back at Stark HQ. Instead, what we get are the sprawling fields that the Dothraki travel through on the way to their capital, Vaes Dothrak. Daenerys, having been doggied by Drogo the Dothraki (try saying that five times fast) is now part of the gang, and has to hoof it (see what I did there?) to Vaes Dothrak along with the rest of the crew.
Across the Narrow Sea, Tyrion Lannister is sleeping with some bitches, but not the ones you think. Of course, since Joffrey is a beady-eyed little inbred bastard, he makes some snide comment about it. It’s a good thing Tyrion ain’t having none of that shit.
Never test the strength of Tyrion’s pimp hand.
And Tyrion isn’t done yet. Over breakfast, he crushes the hopes and dream of his incestuous siblings, while entertaining his niece and nephews with tales of pissing over the world’s edge. The little man is one BAMF.
Cersei Lannister, on the other hand, is a cold bitch of epic proportions. After having her brother-lover push Bran off a tower, she pays a visit to Catelyn Tully and cries her little bitch tears over how she lost her own son by the King. Catelyn knows what’s up but has better things to do than read a shady bitch like Cersei.
Somewhere else around Winterfell, Jamie Lannister is hitting on a particularly puffy looking Jon Snow. Come on Jamie, you’re already schtupping your sister, must you do it with the bastards too? And “big strong men protecting us”? Really Jamie? Really?
Jon Snow’s day isn’t going to get better anytime soon either. After a nice farewell with fellow badass Arya, Jon has to endure the resentment of Catelyn Tully as he bids goodbye to half-brother Bran. When she really puts her mind to it, Catelyn can give Cersei a run for her money at the Cold Bitch Olympics.
Hot Bastard has better luck with Daddy Stark, who tears up a little as he promises to tell Jon about his mom the next time they meet. I think Daddy Stark is tearing up because he knows there’s no way in the seven hells that he’s going to meet Jon Snow again, seeing as it is Sean Bean, well known portrayer of dead/dying people, who is playing his part.
On the other side of the Narrow Sea, Daenerys is once again subjected to Dothraki doggie style. I mean seriously, we need to get some missionaries up in this place because there are seriously more ways to do the deed than doggie style. Because she is a dutiful wife and what not, Daenerys just lies down there and thinks of dragons.
Catelyn, meanwhile, has nothing but Bran on the brain. But after an assassination attempt on her baby goes awry, Catelyn is done with this Mickey Mouse bullshit. She gets her Velma on and inspects the tower where Bran fell, finding a strand of golden hair that everyone knows could have come from only one hussy.
Catelyn calls the men of Winterfell — including Rodrik Cassel’s kickass facial hair — and lays down the state of the nation. She declares she’s headed to King’s Landing to kick some Lannister ass, but not before a little macho posturing from Robb and Theon. Theon also reveals a crush on the Starks that is so obvious it’s embarrassing. I bet you’ll stand behind Robb, Theon Greyjoy. I bet you’ll stand behind him all night long.
While the Starks are being bromantic, it’s all about our Sapphic sisters over at the Dothraki caravan. Since men only think with their penises, Daenerys thinks its time that she learn the fine art of fucking, and who better to teach her than a whore from Lys? Also, the producers get to fulfill their quota for faux lesbianism for the entire season.
After Daenerys blows (ahehehehe) Khal Drogo’s mind with some empowered cowgirl riding (See what a departure from doggie style can do?), we go and look at the state of someone who is definitely not an empowered woman of the Seven Kingdoms: Sansa “Sucks To Be Me” Stark.
Ugh, do I have to? Sansa prances around being all daft and a disgrace to redheads fictional and real, and eventually runs into the beady-eyed heir of the Iron Throne. They do the Dance of the Dating Dolts around each other and further solidify their reputation as the Britney Spears and Kevin Federline of the Seven Kingdoms. They eventually run into Arya and interrupt her being a badass. Of course, Arya’s having none of that and has Nymeria chew Joffrey’s hand off. Or at least that’s what everyone in the Seven Kingdoms wanted to happen.
Unfortunately, Joffrey gets to keep his hand and Cersei is definitely one bitch you do not want to cross. She has Sansa’s direwolf killed, and this great disturbance in the Force has awoken Bran all the way back in Winterfell. Bran does not approve of this.