Book to Series Recap: Game of Thrones Ep. 3 “Lord Snow”

Or, Reading is Essential

It’s been quite a while since we’ve had one of these around here, huh? Or at least it feels like it’s been quite a while. Mostly this blog has been Tyra Banks this and “Modelland” that. Hopefully, the next few entires will provide little patches of non-Modelland air!

The last time we lest the sassy Starks of Winterfell, the two sisters were quarreling, the Hot Bastard was on his way to a very cold place, and Bran has just woken up from his boo-boo.

In today’s episode, we have: Bitch, bitch everywhere and not a drop to drink! The Cersei Lannister school of inbred parenting! Swordplay!

As usual, NSFW.

Everybody’s being bitchy in this episode, starting with the welcoming committee who is immediately throwing shade* about Eddard Stark’s choice of clothing for the meeting of the Small Council. When Jamie and Ned face each other, it’s out and out reading** between the two queens lords, impugning each others manliness and family and the like. It’s a scene that doesn’t exactly play out this way in the book, but when it’s right, it’s right.

I expected Varys to be thinner and Littlefinger to be…little-er. Sean Bean turns in a performance reminiscent of Boromir at the Council of Elrond and then we get shuttled back to the Kevin Federline of the Seven Kingdoms.

It's funny that if I said that this looked incestuous, I MIGHT ACTUALLY BE RIGHT.

Here we see the reasons why so many children these days deserve to be pimp-slapped by a little person (Tyrion Lannister) — their parents subscribe to the Cersei Lannister School of Parenting, which is basically “You’re my little inbred son and no one is better than you.” Jesus, woman.

There’s also a scene where Arya is practicing on the kitchen table the many ways she would stick a knife into Prince Joffrey, and while not in the book, just proves how much of a badass Arya is. Obviously this gets my full support. Also, she teaches Ned a thing or two about this thing we like to call logic.

Why do I not have my own pocket-sized Arya?

At Chateau Stark, we get a nice nod to the book with the crow landing on Bran’s windowsill. Old Nan — I’m calling her that so everyone can shut up — gives Bran a good round of “Back in my day, Winter wasn’t wasn’t coming. It was already on.” Bran doesn’t give a shit though, because he’s got his emo on full blast.

In King’s Landing, Catelyn Tully finds herself tangled up in the machinations of slimy Littlefinger and balls-deprived Varys. In between Littlefinger’s little…uh…fingers and Vary’s lack of testicles, Catelyn Tully is convinced to start a war. At least no one can ever call her an indecisive woman.

Meanwhile, the Hot Bastard is at the totally cold Wall, surrounded by six strapping young men, crossing swords with them, and I go to a quiet corner and have myself a nice nosebleed. Really now? Hot, and sweaty, and their swords banging against each other while they grunt and groan and be all manly and aggressive and what was I talking about again?

Jamie Lannister, on the other hand, is still a dedicated disciple of doggie style, getting al hot and bothered as he talks about killing everyone in the whole wide world so he and Cersei can wallow in their pure incestuous love. It is also revealed that it was Jamie that sent the assassin after Bran, a fact that I believe will be revealed further on in the books I am yet to read. And while I’m not all that bothered about the spoiler, must doggie style always be insinuated when it comes to the Wonder Twins of incest?

Over at the grasslands the Dothraki are traveling through, Daenerys is just having more luck with the non-doggie style positions. She’s much more relaxed, talking to Jorah Mormont, and just more intent on not being ignorant about the whole warrior rapist culture she’s found herself in. Too bad you can’t say the same for Viserys, who is taking a little longer to acclimatize and gets a whip around his neck for his trouble. How does that emasculation feel, huh?

Back at the Wall, people are also less prone to bitching and are much more game for bonding. Jon Snow is all about the uncle-nephew quality time, while Tyrion Lannister is making friends with people below his station. Nevertheless there’s still quite a bit of gloomy foreshadowing. Winter is knocking at the gates of the Seven Kingdoms, and boy is she pissed.

We, however, end on a high note, especially if you ignore Sean Bean’s patented Face of Sorrow. Arya begins her lessons in swordfighting with Syrio Forel, and thereby begins her journey towards becoming Head Bitch in Charge.

This is so not going to end well.

* In drag queen parlance, to “throw shade” is to insult somebody.

** In drag queen parlance, “reading” is the act of insulting.

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