Well, maybe not exactly 84 years, but it’s legit been half a year the last time we visited our aspiring Intoxibellas in Modelland. Is everyone else still up to speed? Does everyone need to know who did what to whom? Does anyone even really care?
Well, would you look at that! It’s not even a whole month yet and I’m already posting another installment of my chapter by chapter review of Tyra Banks’ “Modelland”! The world must be coming to an end!
When we last left the Bellas, Dylan was running away from the W.O.W. class to probably eat her feelings, and Tookie and Naomi Campbell stand-in Shiraz Shiraz have gone chasing after her so she doesn’t eat her own weight in pies or something.
They end up chasing Dylan into a plaid cube that smelled strangely of wet fur. There are so many lesbian hipster jokes I could make right now but I will resist from doing so.
Yes, yes, I know I’ve been gone for almost a whole month now, but in my defense there have been some monumental changes in my place of employ. Trust me when I tell you guys that it is definitely enough reason for me to vanish for several weeks.
But now I’m back! And so is Tyra Banks’ magnum opus, “Modelland”! I can’t believe I’m still doing this! But I am!
The last time we were in Modelland, we saw Kamalini unintentionally murder a whole family of poor Indians by letting them have speaking parts in a feature film, watched Dylan witness her father’s dying moments in the middle of a children’s park, and Tookie being a drama llama. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE TYRA CAN DO THAT WILL SURPRISE ME AT THIS POINT.
So, when I was circulating at the Filipino Readercon, I seriously got more than one person asking me whatever happened to my chapter by chapter reviews of Tyra Banks’ magnum opus, “Modelland”. Had I stopped writing it? Will I still be writing it?
I know it may not seem like it — it’s been four months since the last “Modelland” post — but I do intend to finish this book. By hook or by crook. It’s just that….I’m only human, you guys. I need to recover my strength every time I finish a chapter.
ANYWAYS. Here it is you guys. Let’s dive back into the world of “Modelland”. I’ve got several folders of GIFs open and ready to be deployed. LET’S DO THIS.
It’s been literal months since I started doing chapter by chapter reviews of Tyra Banks magnum opus, “Modelland”, and what should have been daily reviews have slowly trickled down to quasi-monthly things that often devolve into long screeds rambling about the unfairness – the unfairness! – of it all.
I don’t know about you guys, but it gets pretty tyring (Get it? Get it?) having to maintain that kind of incredulousness, disbelief, and that itty bitty bit of rage. And if it can get really tiring for me, I don’t know how it feels for you guys. I get to vent; you guys have to bear with my my incessant whining.
So I’ve decided to shake things up a little bit and try something new. It’ll give me a chance to flex my rather flabby writing and creative muscles, and I hope you guys get to read something more entertaining than just long paragraphs of me just being over it. I hope you guys enjoy!
For the delicious full story on the picture above, visit the Housing Works Bookstore Tumblr.
Okay, so I spent most of Maundy Thursday asleep because I spent most of Holy Wednesday up and about so early in the morning and the rest of the night working on my day job. Hence the absence of any posts.
And now, still a bit groggy from recovering as much sleep as I can from the weeks I’ve spent burning the candle on both ends, I thought twice about doing something that requires more than a couple of brain cells to do. SO what did I end up doing, you ask?
I’ve spent the whole day trying to come up with a different way to attack this particular chapter. Heck, this particular book even.
I started out just wanting to make fun of it, because let’s be honest, there’s a lot to make fun of. That was still easy to do in the first few chapters — I didn’t know the extent of the craziness that Tyra was going to inflict on me.
I’m only halfway through the damned thing and I am out of ammunition. And even more importantly, I am out of patience. We’re almost 250 pages in and nothing substantial has happened. You know what happened on page 250 of “The Fellowship of the Ring”? Frodo had already been stabbed by the Witch-King of Angmar. And that book isn’t exactly the gold standard when it comes to fast moving plots.
What? The chapter title’s “La Lumiere”. I have to use this video.
At the end of chapter 18 I expressed my stupid hope that “Modelland” might somehow free itself from the tight fist of Id!Tyra and take an entirely different direction from what we’ve been getting from the past few chapters. It’s the human thing to do, right? To hope for something better.
Of course, if there’s anything that Tyra Banks has excelled in over the years, it’s crushing whatever hope any of us may have had in our hearts — e.g. Elyse Sewell and Allison Harvard — and then reminding us that she’s the only thing we should focus our attention on.
No, Tookie and the gang aren’t going back home. All that claptrap was for nothing — kinda like ANTM All-Stars — and Tookie and the Bellas are still in Modelland. Let’s just get this chapter over with.
“Everyone in the room screamed, their faces melting and warping just like Tookie’s was. Piper’s skin was so raw it was transparent. Her blood was visible, pumping wildly through her face. She resembled a skeleton with muscles and veins, with a thin layer of clear plastic keeping it all together.”
Damn, Tyra. That is some sick shit. Where have you been hiding this? Tyra, this is a gift. You’re good at imagining these scenarios. Turn this book into a gory horror novel and I will love you un-ironically forever and ever.
So, what is the state of the nation as we reach chapter 16 of Tyra Banks’ magnum opus, “Modelland”?
One hundred and seventy-eight pages into this thing, and we’re still dawdling along the fringes of Modelland. As far as I can recall, we’ve already had the “You’re a wizard Bella, Harry Tookie” scene, the Sorting Hat Face Registration scene, and the Great Hall Belladonna Scene. When are we going to actually see something happen? Because I think by page 178, Frodo was already being chased by Ringwraiths. And we all know that “The Fellowship of the Ring” isn’t exactly the gold standard when it comes to quick-moving plots.
How long will Tyra Banks jerk me around? How long will she torture me so? This next chapter is titled “The THBC Tamasha” and Jesus fuck that does not look promising at all.