It’s gay pride day here in the Philippines, and I had planned to be at the pride parade and maybe even at the parties afterwards, but things just didn’t go my way today. I had a really early appointment this morning, a coverage halfway across the metropolis after that, and then a throbbing headache to top it all off.
So rather than walk in solidarity with my LGBTQI brothers and sisters, I just headed home and did the gayest thing I could think of that did not involve some guy’s genitals — I decided to read and review another chapter of Tyra Banks’ “Modelland”.
It can’t be a hate crime if the violence is self-inflicted, right? Maybe a self-hate crime at the most.
The chapter title is “Bou-Big-Tique Nation””. I may choke on my own vomit.
As expected, Creamy De La Creme is pissed that Tookie got picked to go to Modelland. She’s been grooming The Myrracle for that particular honor, after all, and she can’t have all that hard work just go down the drain. Creamy is so determined, she’s even willing to go up against the Scout.
“Oh no, you did not just whack my Myrracle. I may not know who the hell you are, but I do know you have lost your diamond-encrusted mind!”
Myrracle remarks that if anybody should get slapped, it should be Tookie, who doesn’t really even care about Modelland — or at least that’s what Myrracle thinks. Tookie manages to eke out that she does dream about Modelland, it’s just that nobody from the family has ever asked her.
The Chris-Creme-Crobat, however, is surprisingly supportive, telling Creamy that at least one of their daughters is going to be an Intoxibella. He even calls Tookie “Daddy’s special baby girl”, and for a moment Tookie pretends that her father means it.
Is this really happening? Is Tyra writing something that actually has a beating heart? Say it isn’t so!
But it really does seem like she is! As Tookie is being carried off to Modelland in a pouch made of translucent fabric, she sees the celebration happening all around the LaDorno Square — and also Lizzie making her way along the empty streets of the city. Tookie tries to make the Scout stop, but to no avail. When it appears that there really is nothing else she can do, Tookie…stands up and curtsies.
Really, Tyra? Your character is going to lose the only friend she’s ever had and all you have her do is curtsy? And curtsy from way up in the air where said self-harming best friend cannot see it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Nice to get Crazy!Tyra back though!
Tyra digs herself an even deeper hole as she takes Tookie into what can only be described as Diagon Alley but gayer. It’s the Bou-Big-Tique Nation mentioned in the chapter title, and its pretty much what the stupid name implies — a big boutique.
“Tookie found herself face to face with cash registrs, credit card machines, Modelland magazines, and hundreds of checkout lines…
Tookie looked through the pouch, taking in Bou-Big-Tique Nation for the first time. She’d read all about the place — it was the most convenient of convenience stores, for everyone lived inside the giant store!”
Couldn’t you have just called it Big Boutique Nation and saved us all the aneurysm?
Anyway, it seems that Bou-Big-Tique Nation is another part of the world Tookie is living in, and T-DOD is still ongoing here. And the Scout that picked Tookie also picks an unlikely candidate in the form of Dylan, who it seems will be the plus size girl
in this cycle of America’s Next Top Model among the Intoxibellas.
Also, she looks and talks like a Southern stereotype.
“Dylan was shaped like a bottle of Bou-Big-Tique cola and had a heart-shaped face. Her lips were full and naturally raspberry-colored, and her lavender-blue eyes sparkled. Her thick, healthy, golden-blond hair stretched to her butt, and she wore it in two pigtails, one on each side of her head…
‘Y’all are all busted-lookin’ now from your championship fight, but pull your confidence from your insides. That’s gotta count for somethin’… Cuz whoo, chile, y’all look cuh-ray-zee.”
Of course, Dylan’s opinion is quickly changed when the Scout approaches her and picks her to become a potential Intoxibella. Because as the previous post on “Modelland” taught us, all girls just
wanna have fun want to become America’s next top model want to become an Intoxibella.
Please don’t tell me we’re going to have a tour of Tyra’s whole demented universe and there’s going to be a bajillion chapters of just picking up girls from different parts of the world. BECAUSE I CANNOT HANDLE THAT.
That’s probably what’s going to happen.