Chapter by Chapter Review: Tyra Banks’ “Modelland” Chapter 12

I will forever believe that Ty-Ty stole the idea of Modelland from RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Would you guys believe that it’s been a whole month since I did one of these things? Work just kind of piled up on me during the past month, and it’s been difficult to sneak in a few chapters of reading. And besides, sometimes I feel like I’m just screaming in the desert with this one — I don’t think anybody but my friends read this thing.

BUT THEN! From out of the great internet ether came this comment from Melaina:

“When are you posting the next one?”

Someone who I don’t know personally! Sweet potato babies, you are getting your chapter by chapter review and you are getting it now.

So who do we have in the Scout’s pouch? Tyra Tookie dela Creme, Southern Stereotype Dylan, and Naomi Campbell Shiraz Shiraz. They’re off to their next destination, but before we know what it is, Tyra has to freak us all put first.

“The pouch emerged into a sea of thin white strands. Some of them even entered the pouch, covering Tookie’s head and drifting past her mouth.”

Sounds harmless enough, right? They could just be arriving at a stuffed toy factory. Or somewhere where they make fur coats. It would totally fit in the world Tyra’s created, where fashion is the most important thing in the world. But of course, Tyra doesn’t want you to sleep at night.

“The pouch accelerated without warning, popping out of the sea of white. Behind them, Tookie saw a pale-skinned woman with long platinum locks screaming at the top of her lungs. She was also scratching her scalp and poking at her ears.

Dylan squirmed. ‘You know, I think Tookie was right. I think we just popped out of that gray-haired woman’s head.”

I mean. What. I can’t. WHY?

Can the Scouts do this to all humans? Can this be utilized to kill people? How much therapy will that poor lady have to undergo? WHAT WERE YOU SMOKING WHEN YOU WROTE THIS TYRA?

Anyway, that horrifying scene was Tookie, Dylan, and Shiraz’ introduction to the country of SansColor, where everyone is a freaking albino. I am not kidding. EVERYONE IS A FREAKING ALBINO.

MY FREAKING CAPS LOCK BUTTON IS BEING RAPED RIGHT NOW.

GPOY

And just because I suspect that Tyra has something against albinos, none of them can speak in actual words. All of the albinos in SansColor communicate by rasping, clicking, popping, and sucking sounds. So they’re basically like the Manji tribe from the Jumanji animated series.

Just like every other place in the Modelland universe, SansColor is celebrating T-DOD, and they are doing so by having a military parade featuring their prettiest albino girls clad in uniforms of different colors. Which is weird since they live in SansColor, which even I know means “without color”.

But whatever. The country’s prime minister asks the Scout to pick out any of the girls from the parade to take to Modelland, but when the Scout chooses the prime minister’s daughter, Piper, homegirl flips her shit.

“Piper’s mother hurled a menacing popping sound at her daughter. ‘I will not allow you to go to that mindless school on the mountain!’ Tookie translated.

‘She said all that with that one sound?’ Dylan said.”

Okay, Tyra, that was funny. You could see it coming from a mile away, but it was still funny.

The chapter ends with the Scout and the girls fleeing while the SanColor army is firing bullets at them, and Tyra tries to scare her readers by ending her chapter with “One wrong move and the pouch would be ripped to shreds.”

Honestly Tyra. If that goddamned pouch can spring out of somebody’s scalp, I don’t some bullet would be able to rip right through it.

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2 thoughts on “Chapter by Chapter Review: Tyra Banks’ “Modelland” Chapter 12”

  1. I love you!!! Mainly because your epic and because your bravely ploughing through the crazy-smizeing-drug haze-world of tyra banks brain so the likes of me can actually understand this thing of a book. So cheers!!!

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