Chapter by Chapter Review: Tyra Banks’ “Modelland” Chapter 13

To tell you quite frankly guys, the past few chapters have been less than satisfactory. I mean, even less satisfactory than the other chapters that have come before them.

For one thing, Tyra hasn’t given me a lot to work with in the past three chapters, where she merely rewrites the same scene, only changing the place where all of it is happening. And these past three chapters have been pretty short too! Couldn’t she have just jammed them together into one bigass chapter?

But then again, who am I to question the workings of Tyra’s mind? She knows what the readers want. After all, Modelland debuted on the number two spot on the New York Times Bestseller list. All of you aspiring writers should just give up and take up taxidermy.

After escaping the SansColor guard (hehehehe), Tookie and the gang get to see what’s outside of the SansColor capital city — and it ain’t pretty. Those “demonic, yellow-eyed jungle inhabitants” from the previous chapter turn out to be LeGizzards, who are Colorian-eating cannibals who just recently made a meal out of Piper’s father.

What is it with you and albinos, Tyra?

There’s some tension between Piper and Dylan at the beginning of the chapter, and Tyra probably got the inspiration for that particular scene from the Tyra Show episode up top. But whatever drama is supposed to happen is quickly eclipsed by the quartet’s arrival at Modelland. Or at least its foyer.

“Thick fog covered the ground below. Voodoo-style drumbeats sounded from the ground. In the distance, they saw what they thought were the Modelland gates. A wide expanse of bright orange and red flames shot from the top of the mountain.”

Jesus fuck, Tyra. How long is it going to take to get us inside Modelland? You’re almost at 200 pages!

At the sight of the flames atop the mountain, Shiraz Shiraz brings up some old song she heard back at Canne Del Abra about how four girls are always picked to just be randomly sacrificed and I struggle to remain interested. Tyra is no Maya Angelou.

“On The Day Of Discovery

When new recruits arrive

A plan of debauchery

Where all but four survive.

Deformed and Defectives

They torture and connive

Till no bones are connective.

They blaze the four alive.”

Of course, it is nothing but a false alarm and a page extender, because good fucking Gandalf the pace of this book is even slower than “The Lord of the Rings”. Or at least it feels that way, because I just checked and by page 135 of “The Fellowship of the Ring” the hobbits just got past Farmer Maggot.

Once it’s clear that they’re not going to be burned to cinders, the girls find themselves accosted by the handy Guru Applaussez, and by handy I mean his head is shaped like a hand.

“Tookie’s eyes adjusted, she saw a tall creature with a head shaped exactly like a human hand, with four fingers and a long thumb. The palm of the hand contained blue eyes, two holes for a nose, and two full lips. Below the strange hand-head was the body of a normal human.”

First off, what the fuck. Second, what the actual fuck. Third, this:

Applaussez thinks the four of them are the seamstresses he ordered, but the Scout disabuses him of this notion, assuring him and the girls that they are Bellas, or students to be trained in Modelland. Also, the Scout turns out to be Ci~L.

Apparently, Ci~L has been hiding out as a Scout all this time, while the rest of Metopia has been searching for her. And unlike her Intoxibella persona, Ci~L is a bit of a slob.

“‘Sorry, I was sweating buckets back there.’ The Intoxibella sniffed her armpits. ‘Yuckity yuvk! I totally forgot to put on my sweat stopper this morning. I’m a girl who can’t skip a day, if you know what I mean!”

First, if you’re going to make up a name for something, couldn’t you have exerted a little more effort than just coming up with “sweat stopper”? I mean, you can come up with Zarpessa Zarionneaux, but you can’t come up with an equally gay name for deodorant? Where’s your consistency, Ty-ty?

Second, Ci~L is obviously Tyra’s bullshit way of assuring all the little impressionable girls out there that real supermodels are just like you. It totally has nothing to do with the way you look but what’s inside you. Yeah, sure, whatever.

The girls are brought before a Sorting Hat mosaic-tiled face. It’s where the girls are sorted registered, and we get a list of stereotypes I think we should get familiar with but I’d rather eat chocolate and get fat.

“The girls watched as an ash-blond Bella approached the mosaic face. ‘Veekay of NorDenSwee.’ she said, referring to an icy land.”

Even my grandma can figure out that NorDenSwee is Norway, Denmark, and Sweden, and my grandma’s been dead for years now.

“‘Kamalini of Chakra,’ said a girl wearing an intricately embroidered chartreuse wrap dress made of endless yards of the finest silk. One arm was full of gold bangles, and her eyes were decorated with a SMIZE, which fluttered every time she blinked.”

Kill me now.

The girls finally get their turn in front of the Sorting Hat face, but Ci~L does something to it that results in the girls getting registered in a snap. Is Ci~L plotting something? I don’t freaking care anymore. With the rest of the girls sorted registered, they are finally ushered into Modelland.

About damn time.

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