Chapter by Chapter review: Tyra Banks’ “Modelland” Chapter 14

I must admit that there are days when I don’t think that I can accomplish this task that I got myself into.

This damn thing is moving slower than a white boy on his way to his own circumcision. We’re more than 100 pages into this endeavor and the only thing we’ve been able to find out is that Tyra doesn’t care about albino people.

And it’s not like I can’t handle a story that moves like molasses. I managed to survive the first five chapters of “The Fellowship of the Ring” and actually finish the damn trilogy. I persevered through the incessant braid tugging of Robert Jordan’s “The Wheel of Time” series — or at least persevered up to book nine. I CAN HANDLE IT.

But sweet baby krakens, Tookie dela Creme just might be the one to break me. Thank Gandalf for commenters like Margo for leaving such sweet comments like this one —

“Please post chapter 14 soon! and so on! I have all your reviews on this book bookmarked on my computer. Every time i need a good laugh I read one of your reviews on this ridiculous book, your incredibly witty and very entertainingly hilarious! i love you”

— because I would have given up on this biznaz several chapters ago.

After what basically amounts to an eternity in dog years, Tyra finally gets Tookie, Dylan, Shiraz Shiraz, and Piper past the gates of Modelland. They aren’t alone though, as Zarpessa and a boy-crazy girl named Chaste have also made it in, and they are basically Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle but with titties.

Zarpessa’s even got her own version of “My father will hear about this!”, which is basically her relaying information that she heard from her uncle’s mistress’ poolboy’s underage gay lover.

“Ci~L went rogue. My colorist’s aunt’s sister’s grandfather’s  daughter knows her, and she says Ci~L lost her mind trying to beat to her own crazy drum.”

And then just one paragraph after that:

“And my uncle’s daughter’s best friend’s designer buddy told me that the reason Ci~L is back at Modelland is because she’s being punished for being off message.”

After which, Tyra goes directly to Stereotype City, without even stopping at Nuanced Characterization along the way.

“Words from Kwaito, the land of safaris and tribal dance filled the air. ‘I wonder how they’re punishing her….’

Phrases from TooLip, the land of windmills, engulfed her. ‘Do you think she’ll lose her Intoxibella status forever?’

Two girls muttered in Pyramidian, ‘Has Ci~L truly lost her mind?'”

I just can’t understand why you didn’t just set this story in the real world, Tyra, with Modellan just being a magical place that isn’t just available to the muggles non-Intoxibellas? It’s not like you’ve made an effort to “create” an entirely different world. For Christ’s sake, you renamed Holland TooLip? That just sounds like street slang for a labia.

And look, look, Tyra is being ironic by giving Zarpessa’s slag friend the name Chaste! Good for you Ty-Ty! Here, have a cookie.

 Oh. Oh. Sorry.

Anyway, the first thing that the potential Intoxibellas are made to do is be toured around the premises. They’re shown around by ZhenZhen, who is basically Hagrid but with titties, which in turn makes Ci~L Dumbledore but with — wait for it — titties.

In typical Draco versus Hagrid fashion, ZhenZhen and Zarpessa argue about whether Ci~L is the greatest Intoxibella alive or the worst, and the dialogue is so mind numbing I watched this video on Youtube instead.

Watch the whole thing, it’s worth it, I swear!

Aside from that pointless crowing between ZhenZhen and Zarpessa, the girls also get to see the grounds that make up Modelland.

There’s the OrbArena, where the girls will have their ManAttack classes with the male students from their brother school, Bestosterone. This is probably the only time I will read the words “OrbArena”, “ManAttack”, and “Bestosterone” in a context that is not related to gay porn.

There’s also a boat-shaped classroom where the girls have their CaraCaraCara lessons, which any gay man knows Tyra just stole from the one and only Supermodel of the World, RuPaul.

There also a training room that’s like the X-Men’s Danger Room if the Danger Room was conceptualized and designed by a gay rhesus monkey on crack and not by a civilization as advanced as the Shi’ar.

And that’s it. Chapter 14. We’re done with this chapter, almost 200 pages into this thing, and still nothing of value has happened.

Jesus take the wheel.

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