I don’t know what happened, guys.
Early on, it seemed like Tyra had a plan with this thing. Heck, they were even small moments where it appeared like she actually had a fair to middling handle on prose and storytelling.
But 15 chapters in? The gif up top is beginning to look more and more like an accurate depiction of how this book was written.
You know what’s been missing these past few chapters? The disembodied voice of Andre Leon Talley. What the hell happened to that? It was everywhere the first few chapters and now it’s gone like most of the ANTM models’ careers.
Tookie runs around for a bit early on this chapter — aimlessly, of course, like this book — struggling to find the way to the assembly area or whatever it’s called to hear
Dumbledore the Belladonna’s welcoming remarks.
Along the way, we encounter a roomful of zippers that probably only exist in Modelland because Tyra is high on substandard glitter laced with crack. Ci~L guides Tookie past these maze of zippers (Is this a metaphor for all the sleazy people aspiring models have to deal with in the industry? We may never know.) and gets her to the assembly on time. There’s also something about Ci~L getting manacled while inside those zippers but really, who still gives a shit?
There’s a parade of people at the assembly, with the Bestosterone guys taking a break from shooting gay porn to pose and preen for the potential Intoxibellas. And as for the kind of porn they’re shooting? It’s probably faux vintage because their outfits seem to have been stolen from M.C. Hammer’s closet.
“They wore black billowing trousers stuffed into claf-high boots, leather suspenders criscrossing their bare chests…all in all, they were a sight to relish: cleft chins, strong brows, flexing muscles, eyes that looked not at you but through you.”
They’re looking through you because you do not have a penis. Just thought you should know.
The teachers — or Gurus — are also introduced. Guru Applausez returns, along with several other Gurus — collectively called the Bored (actually funny, Tyra! Cookie for you!) — that Tyra actually puts some work into, at least when it comes to how they look like.
“Another Bored member, an ancient-looking troll of a man, had aged-parchment skin that hung loosely from his arms. Every inch of his body was covered in moving tattoos….
One Bored member had lizard skin and yellow eyes and a forked tongue that sprang out of its mouth…As she watched, the lizard’s head turned white, and it morphed into an alabaster alligator with pink eyes….
A stunning figure that looked like three-quarters man and one-quarter woman pranced in next, generating a half-hearted smattering of applause…the Guru turned and stared at Tookie and her friends. A sickened expression washed over the Guru’s face.”
I’m betting all my shirtless pictures of Alex Pettyfer that Guru is going to be some sort of Severus Snape clone.
After that, the Belladonna — or at least, a statue representing the Belladonna — ends the chapter by launching into song about what awaits the Bellas during their stay in Modelland. I suspect someone is still a little frustrated about the singing career that never really took of.