Chapter by Chapter review: Tyra Banks’ “Modelland” Chapter 16

 

So, what is the state of the nation as we reach chapter 16 of Tyra Banks’ magnum opus, “Modelland”?

One hundred and seventy-eight pages into this thing, and we’re still dawdling along the fringes of Modelland. As far as I can recall, we’ve already had the “You’re a wizard Bella, Harry Tookie” scene, the Sorting Hat Face Registration scene, and the Great Hall Belladonna Scene. When are we going to actually see something happen? Because I think by page 178, Frodo was already being chased by Ringwraiths. And we all know that “The Fellowship of the Ring” isn’t exactly the gold standard when it comes to quick-moving plots.

How long will Tyra Banks jerk me around? How long will she torture me so? This next chapter is titled “The THBC Tamasha” and Jesus fuck that does not look promising at all.

After the Belladonna Sing-a-long in the previous chapter, the potential Intoxibellas are herded towards the ZipZaps, the weird zipper things introduced in chapter 14 that I only now realize she may have possibly cribbed from the Floo network. Huh.

Along the way, Tookie runs into Zarpessa, the secret Dumpster Diver and Tookie Tormentor, and tells her that her secret is safe with her. That secret being her dumpster diving. Goodness gracious I am just stretching this review now please understand my predicament.

Of course, Zarpessa is a bitch about the whole thing and makes some nebulous promise about impending doom if Tookie even dares to breathe a word with regards to her dumpster diving. Whatever, I’m so over it already.

Finally, finally, the ZipZaps take them to what I assume is their first class here in Modelland, and it is under the faux Severus Snape Guru from chapter 15. The way Tyra’s written Guru Gunnero makes it sound like he/she/it was patterned after Ms. Jay.

“A spotlight shone down on a figure across the room. It was the stunning three-quarter man, one-quarter woman Guru the girls had first laid eyes on at the O ceremony. The Guru stood on an ornate metal platform with arms crossed and feet splayed in ballet’s fifth position, surrounded by a halo of multicolored fireflies.”

The girls are told that they’re going to undergo the THBC, or the Thigh High Boot Camp, and that those too delicate to undergo whatever THBC throws at them can go leave through the big door marked Home.

And what, exactly, does THBC throw at these girls? From what I’ve read, it’s basically a six page makeover with all sorts of beauty products thrown in. Kinda like the makeover episodes of America’s Next Top Model, except there are no pouty girls whining about how much hair they’ve lost or how much they hate the hair color they’ve been assigned.

I’m pretty sure this is all very interesting to somebody who knows half of the products that get listed on these six pages, but I honestly cannot give a damn. The only thing that actually made me perk up a little is when Zarpessa gets read by Guru Gunnero himself.

“‘Is this where we get our thigh-high boots?’ Zarpessa interrupted. ‘My hairdresser’s stepcousin’s uncle who works in the marketing department for Zoozeeton, the thigh-high boot designer, told me the THBC boots are amazing this year!’

Gunnero’s eyes widened at her outburst. His lips curled into a smirk. ‘Well, my mother’s youngest and only son said that he heard you were a wannabe, kiss-ass, brownnosing Bella and that he wants me to tell all the girls hereto tell you to shut the heck up!’ He whipped around at the girls. ‘Well tell her!’

The group of girls awkwardly obeyed.”

And as if the universe is rewarding me for some unknown good deed, this happens at the end of the chapter:

“‘Tookie!’ Shiraz wailed, pointing shakily at her. ‘What happening?’

Tookie turned to see what Shiraz was poiting to. An older, unrecognizable person was staring at Tookie. It had a boil growing on its nose, letting out a smoke that smelled of rotten eggs and animal droppings. Much of its hair had fallen out in clumps, and many of the hanging strands had fused together into what looked like chunks of petrified wood. It’s eye were bruised, swollen nearly shut, and its ears were swollen into what looked like bulbs of cauliflower.

‘Oh my God!’ Tookie and the creature whispered. That was when she realized.

The gruesome creature…was her.”

I. AM. EXCITE.

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