Chapter by Chapter Review: Tyra Banks’ “Modelland” Chapter 3

To those who don’t remember Allison Harvard, she was in Cycle 12 and now competing once again in Cycle 17. She rocks.

Sorry for the delay in posts the past few days. Work has been a little hectic and hasn’t given me a lot of opportunities to update the blogeroo since last Sunday. Anyway, I’m back with more “Modelland”!

The last time we were in Metopia, we were introduced not just to its geography but to Tookie’s weird friend Lizzie, who has a penchant for disappearing for months on end and cutting herself with sharp rocks. Also, the deliciously named Zarpessa Zarionneaux is a dumpster diving liar.

Chapter three is actually titled “Da-tahhhh!” I AM EXCITE.

Did I forget to mention that the voice of Andre Leon Talley has an italicized mini-prologue before the start of every chapter? Kinda like the historical entires before each chapter of Frank Herbert’s “Dune”, only gayer. The mini-prologue for this chapter is a lesson for every aspiring writer out there.

“Ah, the De La Creme residence! A splendiferous, luxurious palazzo of a dwelling with a marble facade, grand archways and columns, wrought-iron balconies at its second-floor bedrooms, and a fountain in the center of the yard, complete with nude male statue with rippling musculature.”

Okay, first off? There is now no way in hell that you can convince me that it is not Andre Leon Talley narrating this shiznit. Second? Perhaps this is the shared abode of Mr. Jay and Ms. Jay, with ALT presiding as Grand Poobah.

A few paragraphs down, Tyra tells us that there is something wrong with the De La Cremes in the least subtle way possible.

“Is that…a crack? And there, next to the crack, that silvery mass crisscrossed on the stucco — that can’t possibly be duct tape? Watch your head! Did a chink of slate just fall off the roof?”

In the best of all possible worlds, Tyra Banks will realize that the best writing shows and does not tell. But then again, this is a woman not particularly known for being subtle.

See what I mean?

The situation is the same inside the De La Creme house, where everything seems to be held together by “duct tape, electrical tape, caulk, industrial strength glue, and other binding agents”.

In the midst of all this is, I shit you not, is Mrs. Creamy De La Creme, Tookie’s slightly off-kilter mother who seems to be suffering from an OCD, prone to throwing away fresh produce if they’re not to  her liking. Bananas, for instance, must be the right shade of green. A little speck of brown consigns it to the bin.

At one point in the narrative, Tyra writes down this sentence —

“Her gaze fluttered to Tookie. For a moment, she looked through her daughter the same way everyone at school did. Then she blinked, bringing Tookie into focus.”

— and dear lord it’s actually not bad! More of this Tyra! More of this!

Of course, Tyra has to ruin all of that goodwill by introducing us to The Myrracle and her friend, Brian.

” They jumped and spread their feet out, arched their heads back, rolled up through their torsos, and pointed at Tookie and Mrs. De La Creme. Every limb on Myrracle’s body, every joint, moved gracefully and fluidly and with the utmost confidence.

With a couple more hip rolls and knee dips, Myrracle and Brian slid to the floor with their arms spread out as Myrracle exclaimed, ‘Da-tahhhh!'”

Great Gandalf’s gherkin, what in the world was that?

In my head, this is how that entrance went down.

Myrracle says she just wants to dance, perhaps even more so than becoming an Intoxibella like Ci~L, but of course Creamy De La Creme is having none of it. Then again, if I pleaded my case the same way Myrracle does, a “no” from my mom would be the least of my worries.

“What I have to do first to prepare is to get my dancing to perfect-ness. That way, I can pose the best of the rest in a vest and pass the test and be the guest and walk with zest unlest they want me to walk from the east to the west and…”

Two words for you, Myrracle: I detest.

At least one person is supporting Myrracle in the form of Mr. De La Creme — who used to be an acrobat called The Incredible Chris-Creme-Crobat. Mr. De La Creme wears unitards in the house and has a glass eye. I cannot even.

Anyway, the disagreement between Mr. and Mrs. De La Creme the leading drag king and drag queen act in all of Metopia results with Tookie having to make tea for her mercurial mother, and wonder of wonders, a SMIZE drops right into Tookie’s thin fingers.

DA-TAHHHH!

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2 thoughts on “Chapter by Chapter Review: Tyra Banks’ “Modelland” Chapter 3”

  1. Could I suggest Robin Leach as the narrator for the introduction to this chapter? All you need to do is extend it a little bit: “complete with nude male statue with rippling musculature, all of which cost over FIVE MILLION DOLLARS not counting the IMMENSE AMOUNT OF DUCT TAPE!” Yes, this would give some of the chapter content away, but Robin Leach isn’t exactly subtle himself.

    1. My only objection to Robert Leach being the narrator for the introduction to this chapter is that he may not be gay enough. XD

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