Smize, you skinny bitches! Smize!
OH. MY. GAWD. Did you like, totally hear about, like, that Forgetta-Girl Tookie de la Whatsis getting like, a SMIZE or whatever? She was, you know, at the faucet or something doing like, stuff, and it totally fell into her hand like whatever. Ugh. So not fetch. And now, like, of course her family’s going crazy and whatever and such as.
And like, whatever, it was SO. UNFAIR. Like really, because I like, wanted to be a top model and whatever since like, forever, and it like, really hurts and whatever that I didn’t like, get a SMIZE and such as. UGH.
I hope you guys at least snickered a little because I think I just had a mini-aneurysm typing those two paragraphs. I feel like a nosebleed is about to come on. Or the vapors. Or whatever quaint Victorian ailment suits this whole situation.
ANYWAY. The above paragraphs pretty much sum up what went down at the De La Creme residence in the previous chapter. And as previously stated in earlier chapters, getting a SMIZE increases your chances of being picked to go to Modelland by 91 percent. “91% Chance” is also the chapter title, so I guess we pretty much get that in this installment.
But first, we get a description of what a SMIZE actually looks like.
“The SMIZE was made up of ornate eye-shadow-like flourishes of taxicab-, Dijon-, baby-chick-, banana-, and lemonade-yellow.”
Goodness, Tyra, pick a shade and stick with it.
Of course, the SMIZE goes to Myrracle, whom Mr. and Mrs. De La Creme have been grooming specifically for The Day of Discovery. There’s a couple of pages where Tyra tries to be funny by doing the “fine-print-of-the-contract” joke that we’ve seen countless times already, but what really caught my attention was this scene between Myrracle and Tookie.
“‘Don’t laugh at me!’ Myrracle said, frustrated. ‘I’m on my periodical right now! It makes me forgetful!’
‘It’s period, not periodical!’ Tookie growled.
Myrracle smirked. ‘How do you know? You haven’t even gotten your yet!’
Tookie turned away, her face flooded with heat. Myrracle never resisted the urge to remind her that she had gotten her period already, even though she was two years younger.”
I may lack a uterus, but I do know that the menarche is quite a monumental thing, and that it’s been used to great effect in other books like Stephen King’s “Carrie”. It’s used even more effectively in films, like the Vilma Santos starrer “Tagos Ng Dugo”.
What I want to know is whether it really gets thrown around as an insult. Is it kinda like the same way Filipino guys talk about who got circumcised first? I am actually curious.
And the chapter ends there. Seriously. I haven’t gotten into the swing of things yet! So let’s move on towards chapter 5, ominously titled “Smacking Into Mirrors”. I’ll give you guys three chances to guess what it’s going to be about.
Because of the acquisition of the SMIZE, the De La Cremes have to go shopping, as they’ve been instructed to buy clothing that perfectly complements the damn thing. I really have the sneaking suspicion that Tyra’s following the “Harry Potter” pattern, and this is going to be the trip to the zoo.
But before we get to that, we get this really embarrassing scene where Tookie is making out with Myrracle’s full-length mirror. It’s actually a hilarious scene, and the way that Myrracle describes kissing to Tookie is kinda genius.
“‘Don’t feel bad about not doing kissing yet.’ Myrracle said in a teasing voice. ‘It feels like a little wormy man is crawling in your mouth , anyways.'”
Let me repeat my entreaty from a previous post, Tyra. MORE. OF. THIS.
Later that night, Tookie sleepwalks and ends up seeing her father trying to be the acrobat he once was. Mr. De La Creme is drunk, as evidenced by the
vodka TaterMash from Russia Kremlingrand on the floor. Tyra turns in another good paragraph when Tookie recalls the circus where her father used to work.
“–the sparkling-gold cover of the programs, the plush red velvet seats, the set-your-mouth-on-fire taste of the bag of Gouda-and-habanero-flavored popcorn, and the sharp, five-foot swords that pointed skyward all along the perimeter of the stage.”
They’re not exactly revolutionary or anything — especially since the last circus book I read is Erin Morgenstern’s “The Night Circus” — but compared to the previous chapters? This is aces.
From there, Tyra goes on to describe the freak accident that resulted in the loss of the eye of Tookie’s father, and it’s…uhmm…I. DON’T. REALLY. KNOW. It involves Creamy De La Creme’s compact mirror, Christopher De La Creme falling down seven storeys, and then this:
“Ever the devoted showman, he thrust himself forward into a deep bow, impaling his eye on one of the five-foot swords at the perimeter of the stage.”
There are pools of blood splattered on the floor, pieces of flesh, and THE EYE accusing Tookie of WHAT IN THE WORLD DID I JUST READ? It’s absolutely crazy and I can’t help but laugh. I hope that’s what Tyra intended to happen.
Now that she’s found him, Mr. De La Creme asks Tookie to spot for him the way she used to do when she was a young girl. Tookie’s mind isn’t on the task at hand, though, and results in her father stumbling and hitting himself against the table. There’s a moment where Tookie’s dad, without saying any words, accuses Tookie of that long ago accident and by golly, it works!
This is my problem, Tyra. Make up your mind. There are flashes of something nice underneath all the crazy, and if that’s what you want to do, commit to it, woman! But if you want all of us to board an express train to Crazy Town, goddamn it, FIRE UP THE THRUSTERS AND GO FULL BLAST. Pick a side and stay there!