The chapter title is actually this:
“Stunning, Statuesque, Strobotronic Stars with Stupefying Stratospheric Struts”
I want to lie down beside that chapter title, ply it with dark chocolate and white wine, and make sweet, sweet love to it until the break of dawn. And then do it again the next day.
In this chapter, Tyra finally delivers on the trip to LaDorno that she hinted at but never delivered in Chapter 5, finally introduces the Intoxibellas to the readers, and invites us all to play “Guess how to say this in proper English!”
After being noticeably absent in the past two chapters, Andre Leon Talley’s disembodied voice returns to tempt us all with the various delights that the quadrant of LaDorno only reserves for the wealthiest residents of Metopia. Everything about you has to be perfect, from your bags to your Pekingese, and any deviation from perfection gets your residency application denied.
But the De La Cremes aren’t in LaDorno to find a home. The De La Cremes are in LaDorno to find a dress for Myrracle, and apparently, the best place to find one is at the Jurk store at the Sapphire Esplanade. And while at the mall, the other Tyra comes out.
No, not that other Tyra!
The other Tyra is the one that seems to be the one wielding the more sober side of Tyra Prime’s
fetid fertile imagination. At the LaDorno mall, The Other Tyra actually pushes out really good observations about that unique smell malls seem to have, as well as some of the more crazed appearances some shoppers take on whenever in front of couture. Sure, there is yet another crazy name thrown out (“Janeef”. Jeezus.), but for the most part it is actually okay.
Of course the undeniable force that is Tyra’s ID wrests control pretty quickly. And I have to say, crazy as it is, it can also be goddamned hilarious, especially when it thinks it can invent words willy-nilly like Shakespeare. And boy does Tyra ID let loose when the Intoxibella’s are finally introduced.
With a gown picked for Myrracle, the De La Creme’s are about to head home but the universe has other plans. As they prepare to leave, the fog over the mountain turns golden and…
Well, no, it’s not the Eye of Sauron, but a gigantic SMIZE does appear over the mountain and the voice of the BellaDonna, “the grand dame of the Land on the mountain”, announces the seven new Intoxibellas. And boy is it one crazy introduction.
“Without further ado, I present the Stunning, Statuesque, Strobotronic Stars with Stupefying Stratospheric Struts! The 7Seven! Please worship them as the Intoxibellas they have now become!”
The Intoxibellas, along with their powers, are as follows:
- Evanjalinda (!) , with the power of Chameeleone (!!). Basically, a shapeshifter. And if Tyra didn’t base that name from Linda Evangelista‘s, I will gouge my eyes out and eat them.
- Simone, with the power of Multiplicity. You know what? I was actually disappointed that there was no weird names for this one. She must be Tyra’s unloved imaginary child.
- Bev Jo, whose power is ThirtyNever. Every time Bev Jo turns 29, she turns back to a 17-year-old on her next birthday. This cycle repeats itself until she dies. This power is actually quite inventive and totally fits Tyra’s world! Brava! Also, Bev Jo is totally Beverly Johnson.
- Leemora, with the power of Excite-To-Buy. That’s pretty self-explanatory, if you ask me. Also, totally Kimora Lee.
- Sinndeesi, with the power of Seduksheeon (gag). Really, Tyra? You couldn’t have just used the word “seduction”? And I am assuming Sinndeesi is Cindy Crawford. Sinndeesi = Cindy C. Get it? Get it?
- Katoocha (Praise Jesus!) has the power of SixxSensa and enhanced sight, hearing, taste, touch, and smell. Katoocha also has the misfortune of being named after Filipino gay slang for “househelp”. Or at least close enough to it.
- And the final Intoxibella, Exodus, who has the power of Teleportaling. Boring.
In my head, this has already been made into a live action movie, and this is what they’re going to look like:
These queens are so much more fierce, though. And they have an actual message to boot!
Exodus is hardly boring to Tookie, as “Exodus” is the code that she and her troubled friend Lizzie use for their grand plan to someday fly and leave all this to yesterday. And wouldn’t you know it, Lizzie makes a convenient appearance roght at the LaDorno Mall! Her news is totally unsurprising to any reader with half a brain — the time has come for them to
lipsync for their life put their plan into action.