So, what is the state of the nation as we reach chapter 16 of Tyra Banks’ magnum opus, “Modelland”?
One hundred and seventy-eight pages into this thing, and we’re still dawdling along the fringes of Modelland. As far as I can recall, we’ve already had the “You’re a wizard Bella, Harry Tookie” scene, the Sorting Hat Face Registration scene, and the Great Hall Belladonna Scene. When are we going to actually see something happen? Because I think by page 178, Frodo was already being chased by Ringwraiths. And we all know that “The Fellowship of the Ring” isn’t exactly the gold standard when it comes to quick-moving plots.
How long will Tyra Banks jerk me around? How long will she torture me so? This next chapter is titled “The THBC Tamasha” and Jesus fuck that does not look promising at all.
I must admit that there are days when I don’t think that I can accomplish this task that I got myself into.
This damn thing is moving slower than a white boy on his way to his own circumcision. We’re more than 100 pages into this endeavor and the only thing we’ve been able to find out is that Tyra doesn’t care about albino people.
And it’s not like I can’t handle a story that moves like molasses. I managed to survive the first five chapters of “The Fellowship of the Ring” and actually finish the damn trilogy. I persevered through the incessant braid tugging of Robert Jordan’s “The Wheel of Time” series — or at least persevered up to book nine. I CAN HANDLE IT.
But sweet baby krakens, Tookie dela Creme just might be the one to break me. Thank Gandalf for commenters like Margo for leaving such sweet comments like this one —
“Please post chapter 14 soon! and so on! I have all your reviews on this book bookmarked on my computer. Every time i need a good laugh I read one of your reviews on this ridiculous book, your incredibly witty and very entertainingly hilarious! i love you”
— because I would have given up on this biznaz several chapters ago.
To tell you quite frankly guys, the past few chapters have been less than satisfactory. I mean, even less satisfactory than the other chapters that have come before them.
For one thing, Tyra hasn’t given me a lot to work with in the past three chapters, where she merely rewrites the same scene, only changing the place where all of it is happening. And these past three chapters have been pretty short too! Couldn’t she have just jammed them together into one bigass chapter?
I will forever believe that Ty-Ty stole the idea of Modelland from RuPaul’s Drag Race.
Would you guys believe that it’s been a whole month since I did one of these things? Work just kind of piled up on me during the past month, and it’s been difficult to sneak in a few chapters of reading. And besides, sometimes I feel like I’m just screaming in the desert with this one — I don’t think anybody but my friends read this thing.
So here’s a funny thing that happened last week. I was just sitting in front of my computer, bashing the keyboard since that’s the only way I manage to put out something halfway readable, and I noticed something weird about my blog statistics.
See, on a good day, I usually get x amount of visitors to my blog, usually drawn here by the search words “alex pettyfer shirtless”, “kellan lutz shirtless”, and “winter is coming big tits”. Sometimes, when I get linked by National Book Store, it rockets upwards to around y amount of visitors.
But last week, views on my blog skyrocketed to z, and after the initial celebration I wondered what spurred this sudden interest. Did I get linked over on National Book store’s Facebook once again? Turns out I didn’t. So who did I have to thank for this surge in views?
Apparently, I had Tyra to thank because last week she debuted the moving fashion editorial you see at the top of this post. It’s all about her book, “Modelland”, and it generated enough interest for people to start looking for reviews of the book online. And guess who’s been taking the pains to review it chapter by chapter.
It’s gay pride day here in the Philippines, and I had planned to be at the pride parade and maybe even at the parties afterwards, but things just didn’t go my way today. I had a really early appointment this morning, a coverage halfway across the metropolis after that, and then a throbbing headache to top it all off.
So rather than walk in solidarity with my LGBTQI brothers and sisters, I just headed home and did the gayest thing I could think of that did not involve some guy’s genitals — I decided to read and review another chapter of Tyra Banks’ “Modelland”.
It can’t be a hate crime if the violence is self-inflicted, right? Maybe a self-hate crime at the most.
The chapter title is “Bou-Big-Tique Nation””. I may choke on my own vomit.
I was going through my bookshelves this morning like normal people do and I thought of leafing through my copy of “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” just for old times sake. It’s been more than a decade, after all.
While looking through my copy, I found out that Chapter Six, “The Journey From Platform Nine and Three-Quarters”, and Chapter Seven, “The Sorting Hat”, starts on page 88. The chapters talk about several characters Harry meets on his way to Hogwarts, as well as the moment where Harry is finally picked to be part of a house.
Meanwhile, Chapters Eight and Nine of Tyra Banks’ “Modelland” — named “T-DOD” and “Bzzz” — begins on page 87. The two chapters are about Tookie meeting several characters on the way to Modelland and finally being picked to be an Intoxibella.
Am I saying that Ty-Ty is trying to fashion herself into a “fashion” version of J.K. Rowling, rewriting “Harry Potter” in a very inefficient way? No, I most certainly am not. Is she just renaming characters from Rowling’s universe? I don’t know. Maybe you can ask Xenophilius Lovegood Theopilius Lovelaces.
What I am saying is that it’s time for another installment of “Modelland”!
Oh my goodness me, it’s been a while since we’ve had one of these! As you guys probably know from the recent posts, there have been a lot of book-related activities happening around the metropolis these past few weeks.
There’s the recently concluded Manila International Literary Festival, the 2011 Komikon, and the thousand other things that I had to do because I have a job and I need ALL. THE. MONEYS.
But now, on this cold November morning, I finally have some time! Let’s plunge back into Tookie De La Creme’s fabulous frolics along the fashion forward streets of Metopia!
“Stunning, Statuesque, Strobotronic Stars with Stupefying Stratospheric Struts”
I want to lie down beside that chapter title, ply it with dark chocolate and white wine, and make sweet, sweet love to it until the break of dawn. And then do it again the next day.
In this chapter, Tyra finally delivers on the trip to LaDorno that she hinted at but never delivered in Chapter 5, finally introduces the Intoxibellas to the readers, and invites us all to play “Guess how to say this in proper English!”