“Everyone in the room screamed, their faces melting and warping just like Tookie’s was. Piper’s skin was so raw it was transparent. Her blood was visible, pumping wildly through her face. She resembled a skeleton with muscles and veins, with a thin layer of clear plastic keeping it all together.”
Damn, Tyra. That is some sick shit. Where have you been hiding this? Tyra, this is a gift. You’re good at imagining these scenarios. Turn this book into a gory horror novel and I will love you un-ironically forever and ever.
So, what is the state of the nation as we reach chapter 16 of Tyra Banks’ magnum opus, “Modelland”?
One hundred and seventy-eight pages into this thing, and we’re still dawdling along the fringes of Modelland. As far as I can recall, we’ve already had the “You’re a wizard Bella, Harry Tookie” scene, the Sorting Hat Face Registration scene, and the Great Hall Belladonna Scene. When are we going to actually see something happen? Because I think by page 178, Frodo was already being chased by Ringwraiths. And we all know that “The Fellowship of the Ring” isn’t exactly the gold standard when it comes to quick-moving plots.
How long will Tyra Banks jerk me around? How long will she torture me so? This next chapter is titled “The THBC Tamasha” and Jesus fuck that does not look promising at all.
I must admit that there are days when I don’t think that I can accomplish this task that I got myself into.
This damn thing is moving slower than a white boy on his way to his own circumcision. We’re more than 100 pages into this endeavor and the only thing we’ve been able to find out is that Tyra doesn’t care about albino people.
And it’s not like I can’t handle a story that moves like molasses. I managed to survive the first five chapters of “The Fellowship of the Ring” and actually finish the damn trilogy. I persevered through the incessant braid tugging of Robert Jordan’s “The Wheel of Time” series — or at least persevered up to book nine. I CAN HANDLE IT.
But sweet baby krakens, Tookie dela Creme just might be the one to break me. Thank Gandalf for commenters like Margo for leaving such sweet comments like this one —
“Please post chapter 14 soon! and so on! I have all your reviews on this book bookmarked on my computer. Every time i need a good laugh I read one of your reviews on this ridiculous book, your incredibly witty and very entertainingly hilarious! i love you”
— because I would have given up on this biznaz several chapters ago.
As much of a “trendsetter” I am when it comes to such questionable masterpieces such as “Modelland” and “A Shore Thing“, I am always, always woefully late when it comes to what is actually popular on most readers’ shelves.
For instance, I only started reading Paolo Coelho around his 29th (or is it 28th?) novel, “The Winner Stands Alone”, and my reaction wasn’t exactly the most positive one. I haven’t read a single work by Haruki Murakami, and I haven’t started on “The Hunger Games” yet, although I’ve been itching to do so. As for “Harry Potter”, I only started reading it when “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire” came out. I’ve never really gotten into Nicholas Sparks or Mitch Albom, and the thought of even thumbing through Rick Warren’s “A Purpose Driven Life” makes me want to punch somebody’s nalgas.
Having outlined my un-hipness, it therefore shouldn’t surprise you guys that I only started reading Stieg Larsson’s “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” earlier this week. I was planning to read it anyway — the US adaptation of the movie airs on the first of February — but I was invited to a press preview and I had to push it up my to-read list because I didn’t want to go in there without having read the book.
Unfortunately, I was unable to finish the book, and I had to go into the movie without knowing what I was going to be in for. I’ll talk about how the movie measures up to the book in another post, but I will say this — the movie certainly didn’t spoil the experience of reading the book.
To tell you quite frankly guys, the past few chapters have been less than satisfactory. I mean, even less satisfactory than the other chapters that have come before them.
For one thing, Tyra hasn’t given me a lot to work with in the past three chapters, where she merely rewrites the same scene, only changing the place where all of it is happening. And these past three chapters have been pretty short too! Couldn’t she have just jammed them together into one bigass chapter?
I will forever believe that Ty-Ty stole the idea of Modelland from RuPaul’s Drag Race.
Would you guys believe that it’s been a whole month since I did one of these things? Work just kind of piled up on me during the past month, and it’s been difficult to sneak in a few chapters of reading. And besides, sometimes I feel like I’m just screaming in the desert with this one — I don’t think anybody but my friends read this thing.
I don’t know about you guys, but I found 2011 to just be a very bleurgh year, to say the least. It seemed like there was just a general malaise that seemed to infect the world the past year — earthquakes, tsunamis, typhoons, flooding. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one happy to see the back of last year.
And yeah, there’s that whole Mayan apocalypse thing that’s supposed to happen this year, but you know what? I’m going to be a freaking optimist about the whole thing. World’s going to end? Then I’m going to read ALL the books.
So here’s a funny thing that happened last week. I was just sitting in front of my computer, bashing the keyboard since that’s the only way I manage to put out something halfway readable, and I noticed something weird about my blog statistics.
See, on a good day, I usually get x amount of visitors to my blog, usually drawn here by the search words “alex pettyfer shirtless”, “kellan lutz shirtless”, and “winter is coming big tits”. Sometimes, when I get linked by National Book Store, it rockets upwards to around y amount of visitors.
But last week, views on my blog skyrocketed to z, and after the initial celebration I wondered what spurred this sudden interest. Did I get linked over on National Book store’s Facebook once again? Turns out I didn’t. So who did I have to thank for this surge in views?
Apparently, I had Tyra to thank because last week she debuted the moving fashion editorial you see at the top of this post. It’s all about her book, “Modelland”, and it generated enough interest for people to start looking for reviews of the book online. And guess who’s been taking the pains to review it chapter by chapter.