It’s gay pride day here in the Philippines, and I had planned to be at the pride parade and maybe even at the parties afterwards, but things just didn’t go my way today. I had a really early appointment this morning, a coverage halfway across the metropolis after that, and then a throbbing headache to top it all off.
So rather than walk in solidarity with my LGBTQI brothers and sisters, I just headed home and did the gayest thing I could think of that did not involve some guy’s genitals — I decided to read and review another chapter of Tyra Banks’ “Modelland”.
It can’t be a hate crime if the violence is self-inflicted, right? Maybe a self-hate crime at the most.
The chapter title is “Bou-Big-Tique Nation””. I may choke on my own vomit.
I was going through my bookshelves this morning like normal people do and I thought of leafing through my copy of “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” just for old times sake. It’s been more than a decade, after all.
While looking through my copy, I found out that Chapter Six, “The Journey From Platform Nine and Three-Quarters”, and Chapter Seven, “The Sorting Hat”, starts on page 88. The chapters talk about several characters Harry meets on his way to Hogwarts, as well as the moment where Harry is finally picked to be part of a house.
Meanwhile, Chapters Eight and Nine of Tyra Banks’ “Modelland” — named “T-DOD” and “Bzzz” — begins on page 87. The two chapters are about Tookie meeting several characters on the way to Modelland and finally being picked to be an Intoxibella.
Am I saying that Ty-Ty is trying to fashion herself into a “fashion” version of J.K. Rowling, rewriting “Harry Potter” in a very inefficient way? No, I most certainly am not. Is she just renaming characters from Rowling’s universe? I don’t know. Maybe you can ask Xenophilius Lovegood Theopilius Lovelaces.
What I am saying is that it’s time for another installment of “Modelland”!
Oh my goodness me, it’s been a while since we’ve had one of these! As you guys probably know from the recent posts, there have been a lot of book-related activities happening around the metropolis these past few weeks.
There’s the recently concluded Manila International Literary Festival, the 2011 Komikon, and the thousand other things that I had to do because I have a job and I need ALL. THE. MONEYS.
But now, on this cold November morning, I finally have some time! Let’s plunge back into Tookie De La Creme’s fabulous frolics along the fashion forward streets of Metopia!
“Stunning, Statuesque, Strobotronic Stars with Stupefying Stratospheric Struts”
I want to lie down beside that chapter title, ply it with dark chocolate and white wine, and make sweet, sweet love to it until the break of dawn. And then do it again the next day.
In this chapter, Tyra finally delivers on the trip to LaDorno that she hinted at but never delivered in Chapter 5, finally introduces the Intoxibellas to the readers, and invites us all to play “Guess how to say this in proper English!”
OH. MY. GAWD. Did you like, totally hear about, like, that Forgetta-Girl Tookie de la Whatsis getting like, a SMIZE or whatever? She was, you know, at the faucet or something doing like, stuff, and it totally fell into her hand like whatever. Ugh. So not fetch. And now, like, of course her family’s going crazy and whatever and such as.
And like, whatever, it was SO. UNFAIR. Like really, because I like, wanted to be a top model and whatever since like, forever, and it like, really hurts and whatever that I didn’t like, get a SMIZE and such as. UGH.
I hope you guys at least snickered a little because I think I just had a mini-aneurysm typing those two paragraphs. I feel like a nosebleed is about to come on. Or the vapors. Or whatever quaint Victorian ailment suits this whole situation.
ANYWAY. The above paragraphs pretty much sum up what went down at the De La Creme residence in the previous chapter. And as previously stated in earlier chapters, getting a SMIZE increases your chances of being picked to go to Modelland by 91 percent. “91% Chance” is also the chapter title, so I guess we pretty much get that in this installment.
To those who don’t remember Allison Harvard, she was in Cycle 12 and now competing once again in Cycle 17. She rocks.
Sorry for the delay in posts the past few days. Work has been a little hectic and hasn’t given me a lot of opportunities to update the blogeroo since last Sunday. Anyway, I’m back with more “Modelland”!
The last time we were in Metopia, we were introduced not just to its geography but to Tookie’s weird friend Lizzie, who has a penchant for disappearing for months on end and cutting herself with sharp rocks. Also, the deliciously named Zarpessa Zarionneaux is a dumpster diving liar.
Chapter three is actually titled “Da-tahhhh!” I AM EXCITE.
The last time we saw our heroine, Tookie De La Creme, she was rifling through some garbage for the Campaign Pin of Twu Wuv that Xenophilius Lovegood knockoff Theopilius Lovelaces accidentally bestowed upon her when he almost tripped on her prone body.
Or at least, I alluded to that in the previous post. Mostly I was enjoying putting up gifs of drag queens in hair couture. This time, however, I will be…doing more of the same. It depends on how interesting this chapter is.
Regular readers (or should I say reader?) of the blog know that I’ve been waiting for Tyra Bank’s literary debut with the same excitement usually reserved for Christmas, sudden class suspensions, and the birth of one’s firstborn. If I may be allowed to repeat myself: I AM EXCITE.
Over several months, I kept track of any news on her debut. And during the Manila International Book Fair, National Book Store made my dreams come true. There it was, with the eye on its cover smizing back at my face. Yes, there was a little hesitation on my part (I only got my copy on my second day at the MIBF), but I think we all knew it was only a matter of time before I got my hands on it.
I promised that I would make sure that everyone knew all about the adventures of Tookie De La Creme (!), Myrracle De La Creme (!!), Theopilius Lovelaces (!!!), and Zarpessa Zarionneaux (!!!!), and I thought what better way to do so than through a chapter by chapter review.
Here’s how it’s going to go down: I had initially thought about only posting twice a week, but since the book has 48 chapters (!), that would mean 24 weeks of “Modelland”. As much as that prospect thrills me, I do have a day job and other books to read. So, you’ll get posts on “Modelland” five times a week. Maybe even twice in one day if I can’t help myself.
So sit back, relax, practice your smizes, because this shit is going to go down and it’s going to go down right now.
We’re past the halfway point of the biggest event of the year for Filipino bibliophiles, and I’m quite proud to say that I haven’t spent myself into the poorhouse just yet. And let me tell you, it’s not because there wasn’t anything worth buying. There was a lot of books I wanted to get my grubby little hands on, but my job — thankfully — got in the way.
For instance, most of my first day at the 32nd Manila International Book Fair was spent in the meeting rooms located on the third floor, listening to the talks during the first Filipino Reader’s Conference. I also got to hover uncertainly around the guys from Flips Flipping Pages and tried not to get too much in Blooey‘s way while I tried to work from the SMX Convention Center.
My second day pretty much looked the same as the first, except the talks I were going to this time around were organized by the University of the Philippines and mostly centered around language, literature, and teaching English in the Philippines.
I didn’t even get to go to the MIBF yesterday, as I had to interview author Alexander Yates early in the afternoon, and then some last minute work requirements forced me to ditch any plans of going to the Mall of Asia and blowing some cash.
The fact that I also had to go back to the office during those first two days also helped out a lot in keeping me above the poverty line as I had no occasion to loiter around and find a book that may just strike my fancy. That doesn’t mean, however, that I didn’t amass myself some loot.
We all know that we have our very own Hobbit House here in the good ol’ Philippine Islands, but apparently Montana is also getting in on that sweet Hobbit action. Steve Michaels of Montana runs an inn with “a four-foot stump-shaped troll house, a few round-door hobbit houses with chimney pipes and several shoe-box-size fairy houses.” (Source)
Back when I was a prepubescent, I tried reading Stephen King’s “The Stand” and unfortunately couldn’t even make it past a quarter of it. I guess I should start looking for a copy and give it another try as David Yates and Steve Kloves (ugh) are coming up with an adaptation. (Source)
Anybody who followed the London riots know that the bookstore Waterstone wasn’t touched by any of the looters. The Guardian has an essay up that asks: “Was it because the looters were uneducated, or because today’s publishing industry isn’t putting out books and materials that they can relate to?” (Source)
The Guardian also has a great list of writing tips from several writers. I personally think Margaret Atwood’s tip are the best. (Source)
Hate spoilers? Science Daily says you should suck it up because spoilers don’t really…uhm…spoil the story. (Source)
The Google Books blog has tips on how you can share your books finds on Google+. (Source)
Finally, OH MY GOD, FINALLY, we come to the best part of this week’s round-up. Back in May 2010, Tyra Banks announced that she would come out with a trilogy (trilogy!) of books set in Modelland (pronounced Model-land) which is described as a place where “where ‘Intoxibellas’ are trained. Intoxibellas are drop-dead beautiful, kick-butt fierce and, yeah, maybe they have some powers too“. Well, it’s been more than a year, and Barnes and Noble just put out a sample chapter of Tyra’s book. We have characters named Tookie de la Creme (TOOKIE!), Myrracle de la Creme (MYRRACLE!!), Theophilus Lovelaces (If that is not a rip-off of Xenophilius Lovegood I will strangle myself with an umbilical cord), and Zarpessa Zarionneaux. IT’S GLORIOUS. (Source)
I’m a twentysomething who loves reading books, whether they’re good or bad. I started out stealing books; now I review them.