This will never stop being funny to me.
Yes, yes, I know I’ve been gone for almost a whole month now, but in my defense there have been some monumental changes in my place of employ. Trust me when I tell you guys that it is definitely enough reason for me to vanish for several weeks.
But now I’m back! And so is Tyra Banks’ magnum opus, “Modelland”! I can’t believe I’m still doing this! But I am!
The last time we were in Modelland, we saw Kamalini unintentionally murder a whole family of poor Indians by letting them have speaking parts in a feature film, watched Dylan witness her father’s dying moments in the middle of a children’s park, and Tookie being a drama llama. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE TYRA CAN DO THAT WILL SURPRISE ME AT THIS POINT.
I WAS WRONG.
Chapter 23, “The Diabolical Divide”, is only seven pages long, and from the looks of it, has minimal Tookie in it. It begins at the base of the Modelland mountain, where a ragtag pair of misfits are planning…something.
The group is made up of Jessamine (?), her mother Meena (?), Lynne (?), Abigail Goode (!), and her mother Harriet, who apparently is appropriately named.
“After them, none other than the hairy Abigail Goode, her T-DOD head injury having healed, and her even hairier mother, who was appropriately named Harriet.”
I won’t even try to explain that one.
They meet up with an ugly lizard guy, one of the LeGizzards from Chapter 12 and 13. All of them, as it turns out, are afflicted with the Pilgrim Plague (mentioned all the way back in the prologue) want to get into Modelland. Yes, even the Lizard Man. Because all of us just want to be beautiful.
They have a guide named Macy Kamata who makes them take pills and shots up the butt. There’s some ageism and what not but it is basically bore-o-rama. Even more so than usual. Myrracle and Creamy do make an appearance and there’s some weirdness with Bellisima the doll (I KNOW) but essentially trees died in vain for this.
The chapter ends with Tookie being a drama llama and with my eyes falling out of my head because I’ve been rolling them so hard. YOU GUYS. SERIOUSLY. THE THINGS I GO THROUGH SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO READ THIS THING.
Since Chapter 23 gave me absolutely nothing to work with, we’re forging on straight ahead to Chapter 24, with the promising title of W.O.W. I am all a-quiver.
At the start of Chapter 24 I already want to puke up my lunch.
“Our most unusual tale picks up at the start of the next Modelland quadmester, three months and four days into the Bellas’ first year at the unusual, untouchable, and never uneventful fantastical land at the top of the mountain.”
I can’t even imagine what the editing process for this monster must have been like. I presume her editor/s kept making this face:
Anyway, despite everything that happened in the 20-plus chapters before this one, Tookie is acclimating to the environment at Modelland. She’s gotten so comfortable she’s sucking Bestostero thumb like it was going out of style.
“…his thumb lingered between her lips and made slight contact with her tongue. Tookie wanted to bite down hard on his hand to teach him a lesson, but instead she closed her lips on his thumb, locking it instead her mouth, her body betraying her.”
Uh-huh. Tookie’s friends aren’t any help either, miming blow jobs at her as she dies of shame.
“To her horror, they were trying to contain their laughter. They all had their thumbs in their mouths, playfully mocking her.”
Tookie acts all flustered and ashamed and we get this little gem — I use the term loosely — from Shiraz Shiraz, the Naomi Campbell stand-in.
“‘Pretty boy kooky over Tookie, and want her nookie,’ Shiraz said sexily to Tookie as they jogged away.”
After which, we are given the not-so-subtle clue that Tookie may be more into sucking thumb than she lets on.
“Deep down, she felt…flushed. Overwhelmed. Confused. His thumb entering my mouth. Yum — I mean yuck! was that all just a joke?
Or something more?”
Tyra Banks, ladies and gentlemen.
We finally find out that W.O.W. stands for War of Words (yawn), a class where the Bellas will “learn how to use words to convince, to charm, to soothe, and to strike and DESTROY the arguments of anyone standing in (their) way”. And not in the way those thespian dames do, because models are so much better at public speaking than actresses are.
Their Guru for W.O.W., MattJoe Von Megalo, is apparently friends with Bravo, which lead to Tookie thinking about Bravo, which leads to yet another literary treasure from Ty-Ty.
“Instead she’d just stood there, sucking and sucking like a baby.”
BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE. MattJoe Von Megalo makes slutty Chaste and Naomi Campbell stand-in Shiraz Shiraz debate “Bra or no bra?” and I actually manage at genuine smile at Tyra’s prose stylings.
Here’s Chaste’s argument:
“‘The melon fruit is one to be supremely relished. A sweet treat one should enjoy in its pure rawness, without a fork to spear its tender flesh or a napkin to sop up the luscious juice that drips from our chins. Honeydews, cantaloupes, casabas, crenshaws, muskmelons, and watermelons. Best appreciated without the interference of objects created by man’s hands, mm, mm!'”
“‘The boobies high and tight on me. My knobbies pert and firm, agree? But forever young they will not be. no bra, they’ll sag with grav-i-tee!'”
So I have the sense of humor of a 12-year-old. Sue me.
The class is momentarily interrupted by the arrival of Ci~L, who it appears has been demoted from being a Seven7 to becoming a first quadmester Bella. It’s apparently a big deal but I really couldn’t give a rat’s ass right now.
Ci~L, Zarpessa, dylan, and Tookie are soon made to participate in a W.O.W. about conventional and unconventional beauty — like we didn’t see that coming from a mile away — and we get a sampling of Ci~L’s legendary poetry.
“Yes, lustrous is your hair.
Agreed, bewitching is your stare.
Perhaps perfection is your snout.
Queen bees have stung your handsome pout.
What lies within your cantankerous head:
Infected hard pus in ol’ blackheads.
Strength be with you, ‘pessa, as you fade
whilst the UL’s dance upon your grave.”
UL stands for Unfortunate-Lookings, by the way.
So everyone does as expected: Zarpessa is a bitch, Ci~L puts her in her place, Tookie fishes for compliments, while Dylan has a breakdown over how fat she is. Also, Tyra gets to use the word forthnight.
I, on the other, start bashing my head against a wall.