Well, maybe not exactly 84 years, but it’s legit been half a year the last time we visited our aspiring Intoxibellas in Modelland. Is everyone else still up to speed? Does everyone need to know who did what to whom? Does anyone even really care?
In Chapter 26 “The Porcelain Pact”, we find out where exactly Dylan ran of to after the girls found themselves engaged in a little S&M inside the lesbian hipster cube.
Dylan, of course, is off to vomit up all the food she’s had, because only fat people have eating disorders. Tookie, Piper, and Shiraz reassure her that they all have body image issues, with the girls revealing it to Piper as she barfs her food down into the toilet.
Piper the albino says that she wishes that her mother had never married her albino father, so she wouldn’t have had to live under their dome in SansColor. she shows them a picture of her wearing a wig and foundation, and Piper reveals that she’s always wanted skin like Tookie’s.
Meanwhile, I can’t help but feel like I’m watching an episode of The Tyra Banks Show.
Shiraz, on the other hand, feels like her father never really loved her because she’s not as tall as her parents. Her father died of a broken heart after her mom died, and Shiraz says this is because her father didn’t have any love in his heart for her. I don’t know about you guys, but Shiraz sounds more than a little crazy.
But of course, our little Tyra stand in gets to have the most important personal problem of all. Tookie wants to die because…oh, I don’t even know at this point, and I don’t want to back read either.
The rest of the girls end up consoling Tookie instead, and then decide that their little group of misfits needs to have name. After going through a list that included “The Vulnerable Four” (gag) and “Krapper Sisters”, the quartet decide on Unicas, pronounced “you-KNEE-kuz”.
Maybe it’s just me, but the pronunciation guides that have been scattered throughout this book seem more than a little disrespectful and condescending. Or maybe I’m being one of those equally irritating people who get offended at everything? Someone help!
The chapter ends with Piper volunteering to take Tookie to the FEDS — the Fashion Emergency Department Store — to have her wounds from the lesbian hipster cube checked out, and there’s pretty much nothing else for me to do but go on right ahead to Chapter 27.
As they make their way to the FEDS, Piper and Tookie run into ZhenZhen, the Bella we first met in Chapter 14. ZhenZhen, along with the other Bella upperclassmen, are off to their Go-See-Gos, which I hope I don’t have to explain to all of you guys. It’s a few pages of ZhenZhen just being nice and you kind of want to smash your head into a wall because nothing in the manner of plot has happened in more than 300 pages.
When we finally get to the FEDS we get another dash of crazy as Tyra introduces us to Purse Dresstokill. Yes, you read that right. Tyra describes her like so:
“A woman who looked about one hundred and fifty years old say behind the desk. She wore an elaborate sage-green cape made of multiple types of pistols, knives, nooses, and razors, with a hat shaped like a pair of angry scissors.”
So basically Madame Gasket from the Robots film?
While Tookie waits her turn to be…whatevered…at the FEDS, she spots Zarpessa in line as well, with bleeding gashes all over her hands from the time she spent inside the lesbian hipster cube with the Unicas. Zarpessa gives the two of them the evil eye, but then again, what’s new?
What’s new are the doctors and how Tyra displays her skillful attempts at humor. When a doctor walks in dressed in scrubs, Tyra literall means scrubs.
“Her uniform was a cloak covered in stiff white bristles like the one Creamy used on her face twice a day in the shower. Her thick stockings resembled an elastic version of the material Tookie had used to deep-clean the pots at B3 when she was on cafeteria duty. Her hair was a rather floppy, odd material…a mop, perhaps? Tookie then got the pun right away. The bristle-brush jacket, the grime-removing stockings, the literal mop head…scrubs.”
Tyra, the joke is only funny if you don’t explain it.
Anyways, the doctor is attending to Desperada, a Bella who hasn’t stopped crying ever since she got to Modelland. Her diagnosis? Desperada is suffering from Boy Withdrawal.
Really? Boy Withdrawal? Boy? Withdrawal? That sounds like a very ineffective way of preventing teenage pregnancy.
Desperada insists that the doctor make her a note that’ll let her visit her boyfriend down the mountain, but the doctor is having none of that. She says it’s a mistake to give up everything just for a silly guy, and oh my goodness, do I actually un-ironically like a character in Modelland?
But then Bravo, the hunkiest Bestostero named after a gay-themed cable channel you will ever meet, walks into the room. Every girl in the room is all a-flutter, but before Tookie can get her game on she’s lead into what I assume is the treatment room and then we get a shocking revelation about the inhabitants of Modelland.
Apparently, the reason why most of the inhabitants of Modelland look the way they do — Guru Applaussez, for instance — is because they were born that way. A head shaped like a hand actually pushed its way out of someone’s vagina. I. CAN’T.
The doctor says Modelland is a sanctuary for them and their kind. Tookie then asks the obvious question: If those who look different are so welcome in Modelland, why are the Bellas expected to look and act a certain way? Doctor says she has no idea. Moving on!
Bravo walks into the treatment area, and of course has to be positioned right beside Tookie’s bed. But she’s ocne again cockblocked by every thirsty bitch in the building, because they’re all clambering all over Bravo in his hospital bed.
Bravo, of course, only has eyes for Tookie. As they talk, we learn that the Bestosteros aren’t magical at all, although there have been a few Intoxibellos over the years. Tookie also gets a little hungry, so of course Bravo has to feed her, because the medication has left Tookie’s face numb and her speech slurred. Or zlurred, because every word she says starts with a Z.
Seeing as she’s nursing a cut lip, what ends up happening is that Tookie ends up bleeding on Bravo’s thumb, and then we get this marvelous gem from Zarpessa.
“Too-Too just mouth-pee-peed all over you!”
I. CANNOT. EVEN.
Meanwhile, not only is Bravo feeding her, he is also being a creep about it. When Tookie pulls out a can of whipped cream from her flower brooch and sprays it all over the food, Bravo has this to say:
“What other kinds of stuff does that hold in it, anyway?”
And you know what happens after that? They start stuffing things into Tookie’s flower. Keep that in your heads for a few hours or so.
The doctor walks in ont his scene, nonplussed, and asks Bravo to step away from Tookie’s flower because she’s about to be operated on. As Tookie goes under, she contemplates the fact that a boy may actually like her. And you know what, Tookie? After everything he stuffed into your flower? He better like you.