I was going through my bookshelves this morning like normal people do and I thought of leafing through my copy of “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” just for old times sake. It’s been more than a decade, after all.
While looking through my copy, I found out that Chapter Six, “The Journey From Platform Nine and Three-Quarters”, and Chapter Seven, “The Sorting Hat”, starts on page 88. The chapters talk about several characters Harry meets on his way to Hogwarts, as well as the moment where Harry is finally picked to be part of a house.
Meanwhile, Chapters Eight and Nine of Tyra Banks’ “Modelland” — named “T-DOD” and “Bzzz” — begins on page 87. The two chapters are about Tookie meeting several characters on the way to Modelland and finally being picked to be an Intoxibella.
Am I saying that Ty-Ty is trying to fashion herself into a “fashion” version of J.K. Rowling, rewriting “Harry Potter” in a very inefficient way? No, I most certainly am not. Is she just renaming characters from Rowling’s universe? I don’t know. Maybe you can ask
Xenophilius Lovegood Theopilius Lovelaces.
What I am saying is that it’s time for another installment of “Modelland”!
In yesterday’s post, Tookie got her ass dragged to LaDorno because she spent her night waxing about the future
lesbian adventures she was going to have with her self-harming friend, Lizzie rather than adequately planning for their escape.
So now Tookie is in
a Ford Anglia a car on the way to LaDorno with the rest of the De La Cremes and Myrracle’s gay friend, Brian. But before we can fully get down to T-DOD, the disembodied voice of Andre Leon Talley makes another appearance, once again talking about the Plague.
“The Aftermath. The madness that affects the forsaken, the rejected, the unchosen, and the denied once all the Discovery after-parties have ended.
People call this debilitating illness the Plague…this plague is worse than the one you might be familiar with — the B one. Bubonic, that is.”
Yes, because a plague that killed 60 percent of the European population during the 14th century is no comparison to being no longer in the running towards becoming
America’s next top model an Intoxibella.
By the time the De La Cremes arrive in the LaDorno town square, we discover that it may have been fortunate that Tookie got caught by Creamy, because girlfriend cannot pack for an exodus to save her life. You guys know what Tookie had packed for her
sapphic sojourn with Lizzie? Two flashlights, two pillows, and green bananas.
While Creamy, Chris-Creme-Crobat, and gay friend Brian are fixing up Myrracle, Tookie tries desperately to find out if she will indeed become one of those Factory Dependents
that Metopia loves importing from China she’s pitied all her life. And in not so many words, Creamy tells her that she will be.
“‘Tookie, your father has made some hard decisions, but he is my husband, and I have to honor them…I should imagine things will change quite a bit.'”
But Tookie doesn’t get a chance to mope on that one for long because T-DOD — and Chapter Nine! — is about to begin!
I AM EXCITE.
As expected, T-DOD is absolute mayhem. Potential Intoxibellas need to be walking when they’re selected, and since there’s only a limited space for a large number of delusional women — the text points this out, not me — there’s drama to be had.
There is, for instance, Tyra’s beef against women who don’t shave. Abigail Goode, first introduced in the very first installment of this thing, reappears with all of her hair intact. As in all of her hair.
“…Abigail Goode, sideburns in full glory, faint mustache above her upper lip, unshaven leg hair coating her calves, underarm hair swaying in the wind…”
There are also homeless people heckling the hopefuls, the requisite drunken frat boys, and even an appearance by Tookie’s twu wuv, Theopilius Lovelaces. It’s pretty much how I’d imagine an ANTM audition happening and for the most part it’s okay.
What I did have considerable trouble with was the particularly condescending depiction that the “anti-fashion” women got in this chapter. For all her aversion to conventional standards of beauty, Abigail Goode is still participating in the walk-off required of all aspiring Intoxibellas. Even the protesters, it seems, can’t stop themselves from strutting to the T-DOD beat.
Clear this up with me, Ty-Ty. Are you saying that all these people who may have objections about fashion and its supposed “shallowness” are all jealous and deep down just want to be
America’s next top model Intoxibellas?Because that’s what it’s sounding like to me.
And if that is what you’re saying? Oh, honey, that argument was only valid when you were eight years old. Maybe even younger. Around five or six, maybe. But not when you’re 15. And definitely not when you’re…however old you are.
Anyway, what ends up happening — as if no one saw it coming — is that the Scouts from Modelland end up picking Tookie and her big forehead to become a potential Intoxibella. Mama Creamy is going to be pissed.